Cute/Gross Toddler Activities

At 21 months, McKenna is a busy, active, and curious toddler, like most kids her age. I try hard not to be a helicopter parent and stifle her curiosity. I let her explore the house on her own a lot more than I used to, trusting that she will avoid drinking from the dogs' water bowl or playing in the hamper of soiled cloth diapers. And usually, she does. Sometimes though, I catch her doing something that is downright gross. Some of her recent follies include:

- Twiddling the dogs' jowls and checking for canine cavities. I caught her second knuckle-deep into our German Shepherd's mouth this morning. When I came around the corner and saw what she was doing, she looked up at me innocently, before proceeding to lick her fingers clean. All-gone plaque!

- "Helping" clean up after a particularly messy diaper change. While I do not discourage her from exploring any and all parts of her body, there is a time and a place for these explorations. And that time is not while I am hastily wiping green-brown poo from her legs.

- Getting down on all fours and helping clean up a spilled mess with her tongue. She's at the age now where she mimics everything. I guess she thought she was pretty clever getting her share of the spill before her canine siblings got to it. And a puddle of Diet Coke is hard to pick up with your fingers, after all.

- Insisting on using her father's bloody tissues to wipe her mouth and face. All. The. Time.

- Waiting until she is waist-deep in the tub before realizing she needs to poop. I know, they all do that, but really!?

- Trying to figure out why the daddy long-legs she tried to consume won't stop wiggling in her mouth. The look on her face is not one that I will forget anytime soon - a mixture of surprise, shock, and "oops!"

It is the job of the toddler to be a budding scientist and explore the world around them, trying to establish cause-and-effect. I know that her frontal lobes will not mature for another 20 years, and her ability to predict the consequences of her actions will remain poor for quite some time. Every day is an adventure in our house, as we try to protect her from the truly harmful, while allowing her to make the every day mistakes that will lead to her growth and confidence. Now, if only my gag reflex could take a back seat for the next few years...

Parenting Philosophies

The other day, I picked up my latest in a long line of parenting books - Kids are Worth It, by Barbara Coloroso. So far, I am agreeing with a lot of what I am reading, and wishing that I had picked it up sooner. Coloroso advocates reflecting on your 'parenting philosophy'; ideally this is done before the baby comes. Which got me thinking: Do I have a parenting philosophy? If so, what is it?

Since becoming a mom, I have spent a great deal of time researching and solidifying my beliefs about what I will not do (like CIO and spanking), without really contemplating what I would like to do. So far, most of my parenting decisions have been framed with an emphasis on what I am trying to avoid, rather than what I am trying to work towards.

So what is my parenting philosophy? I think that, deep down, what I am striving for is that in every interaction, she would come away feeling good about herself, about our relationship, and about her own power to affect change in her life. I want my daughter to feel loved, cherished and valued, even when I don't agree with her actions or decisions. I want my daughter to grow up to be kind, compassionate, responsible, and appropriately independent. These are the outcomes that I am working towards, and the reason that I parent in the way that I do. 

Reminiscing about my imperfect, completely unnatural birth

I have posted about this before (see McKenna's Birth Story), but the past couple of months, it has been weighing heavily on my mind. I had a shitty birth experience. I am not alone in having a less-than-ideal birth experience, and mine certainly wasn't as bad as some stories I have heard. But it is my experience, and one that I am still struggling with.

I am tired of hearing people say "well, your baby's healthy, that's all that matters", because that's a lie. Of course it is important to have a healthy baby, but that doesn't mean that the birth experience is nothing more than a means to an end. For some people the birth process is incredibly important. I was one of those women. I had read all the books, hired a doula, practiced mindful birthing and self-hypnosis. I couldn't wait to finally meet my daughter, but I was also excited for the experience of birthing her. No other moment in my life has been, or will be, as monumental as giving birth. And then came the news: She was breech, and I was not a candidate to try and birth her naturally because my body was "inexperienced". My heart stopped (metaphorically, of course). Never had I considered the possibility that my daughter would quite literally be ripped from my uterus. I had envisioned this peaceful, quiet, serene experience, where I would lie back in the tub while sipping Gatorade and munching on granola bars to keep my energy up. Never had I considered that I might be paralysed from the chest down (the scariest feeling ever!), strapped to a table, and deprived of seeing my daughter's first breath. I wasn't the first one to hold her, I didn't get to supervise her newborn exam, and I wasn't able to emotionally bond with her right away. Thinking about that night still brings me to tears.

Has it harmed our relationship? Probably not - I was able to nurse her within the first hour of her birth, we co-slept from a very early age, and our bond is as strong as it could possibly be. But I have not been able to move past it. Sometimes I think about having another baby, not because I am ready for another child, but so that I can have a do-over, so that maybe this time around I can experience the "real thing". I listen with thinly-veiled jealousy to friends speak of their birth experiences, no matter how painful or uncomfortable they might have been. I gaze longingly at photos of homebirthing couples, trying to recall feeling some of the wonder and joy that I see in their faces. But it was never there. There was nothing magical, joyful, or remotely peaceful about the way that McKenna entered into the world. No amount of reading could have prepared me for the trauma of having to be a helpless, passive observer in the birth of my child.

It has been nearly 14 months since my precious girl made her appearance, and I am still struggling with the circumstances of her birth. When and how I am to move past this experience are questions that I still don't have the answers to. Hopefully someday soon I will.

Christmas 2012

McKenna's birthday falls a couple of weeks before Christmas. Being her first birthday, she wasn't overly excited about it, and she already has more than a lot of children, so this year we decided to give her birthday presents to a local charity that passes them along to needy families at Christmas. While everyone thought we were being very generous, secretly we were just too cheap to buy replacement batteries for the 5,000 electronic toys she was guaranteed to get. Her birthday came and went with a party at a local daycare (which she hated), gifts from us (which I ended up unwrapping), and a birthday dinner (which she threw to the dogs). My daughter is truly a gift.

Over Christmas, on the other hand, she seemed to really come out of her shell. She played with her older cousins (as much as a 1-year-old can), ate cheesies by the fistful, and actually helped with the unwrapping of her gifts. This was also when she really got the hang of walking - she saw all of her older cousins running around, and something seemed to click, and she started walking independently that night. It was pretty neat. Experiencing Christmas through the eyes of my daughter was truly amazing. Her excitement over unwrapping a new Bubble Guppies story was contagious, her giggles when she first crawled through her inflatable play tunnel were adorable, and her favourite part of Christmas... unwrapping the packs of squeezable fruit. Words cannot express how much that kid adores pureed fruit packs. Although we didn't get to spend it with our families, we created some new traditions with our precious daughter. It was truly a Christmas to remember.

My 2013 Resolutions

1. You know that old saying "Shit or get off the pot"? Well, I resolve to shit. What I mean by that is that I resolve to stop whining about wanting to lose that last bit of weight. Unfortunately, bitching doesn't burn as many calories as it ought to, so back to the gym I go.

2. To be more present with my daughter. Too often when she is playing quietly with her toys, I am reading, watching tv, or cutting my toenails, instead of connecting with her. Those damn toenails are guaranteed to grow back, but I will never get that time back that I could have been spending with her.

3. To accept that "good" is good enough. The house will never be spotless, there will always be dishes to wash, and clothes will continue to get dirty. Instead of stressing and apologizing over the state of my house, I resolve to relax a little. Twenty years from now, McKenna won't care whether or not I vacuumed her room every day (I do!), but she will care about the quality time that she spent with me.

4. To take care of my daughter's mother.When I eat a Super-Sized Bacon Deluxe Combo with extra cheese five days in a row I'm not just affecting my health, I'm affecting my daughter's future.

5. To laugh more.

Hitting Kids

Research suggests that over 90% of American children between the ages of 2 and 5 are subjected to spanking and other forms of corporal punishment (Straus, 2010). For many children it begins in infancy – a child gets their hand slapped for throwing food off their high chair, or pulling the dog’s tail after being told repeatedly to stop. For some, it continues through adolescence until they leave their childhood home and venture out into the world on their own.

Children who have been victims of CP are more likely than their peers to engage in assault, domestic violence, and other serious criminal offenses. Even after controlling for the influence of socioeconomic status, parental psychological abuse, and parental warmth, CP is still a risk factor for engaging in violence as an adolescent or adult.

The relationship between corporal punishment (CP) and later delinquency and aggression is strong enough to warrant the abolition of such an antiquated form of punishment, and that doesn’t even consider the emotional and psychological effects of using CP on children. There is recent research indicating that children who have been subjected to CP are more likely to suffer from sexual problems in adulthood, including coercing others into sexual activity, and engaging in sadomasochism (although whether or not S&M is a problem is debatable). 

As more and more developmental psychologists, parenting experts, and organizations speak out against the dangers of CP, there is an equally vocal segment of the population that insists that spanking, and others forms of CP are not only fine, but necessary.

Some die-hard spanking enthusiasts will say things such as:

“I was spanked, and I turned out fine”

“Time-out might work for your kid, but it doesn’t work for mine”, or my favourite:

“The Bible tells me so” (I might have paraphrased that a little)

What I don’t understand is who gets to decide what is the magical age at which CP is no longer appropriate? Certainly, few people advocate for husbands to physically control their wives, or for employers to smack their employees for not meeting their sales quotas. I don’t get to slap my babysitter when she shows up late, or whip the mailman for ringing the doorbell and waking up the baby. It is unlawful to use physical force on another human being, UNLESS they happen to be a child. We may only use physical violence against the smallest, weakest, and most vulnerable members of our population. Something about that just doesn’t sit right with me.

There are scores of parenting books that teach non-violent methods of discipline. If time-outs don’t work for your child, why not try a “time-in”? Rather than sending your child away from you, and withdrawing love and affection, why not go to them and sit with them until they calm down, at which point you can talk about whatever just happened. Some of the kindest, most polite, and endearing children I have met came from homes where their parents used non-violent forms of discipline, and modelled appropriate problem-solving strategies for their children. The kids were raised with the knowledge that their parents expected a certain standard of behaviour from them, but without the fear of being hit, slapped, kicked, or whipped if they fell short of these expectations. I also know of many children who were subject to CP, and who grew up to be kind, thoughtful, contributing members of society. Few people would suggest that everyone who is hit as a child will grow into a violent sociopath; both styles of parenting can lead to happy, healthy, responsible adults. But why would anyone choose to use violence against a child when there are kinder, and more effective ways of discipline?

Family physicians, nurses, social workers, and the like should be educated about the dangers of spanking, particularly when the victims are small children. As part of a woman’s regular schedule of prenatal care, her physician will often ask her whether or not she plans to breastfeed. This is a great question, and can open up an important dialogue on the benefits of breastfeeding to both mother and baby. Not every expectant mother knows how important breastfeeding is for her baby. So why not also ask about other important areas of care, such as “Are you planning to hit your baby?” Now, you can dress it up and give it a new name, but spanking is hitting. Whether you use your hand, a stick, a belt, or a slipper, you are hitting your child. And chances are, that child of yours is going to grow up and do the same to their children. My daughter is but a year old, and I have already caught myself reaching to slap her hand after telling her time and time again “uh uh, not for ___”. Thankfully I have caught myself in each of those moments, and have been able to take a step back and re-think how I am going to handle the situation. I don’t want my daughter to grow up in an environment where she learns that it’s acceptable to use violence against others, whether they are bigger or smaller than she. Does this mean that I will never say “no” to her? Certainly not - there will be times when I will have to disappoint, frustrate, or even anger her by denying her things; there will undoubtedly be times when she will think that she hates me. But she will never fear me.

Oh where, oh where has my ambition gone?

Today was a bit of a strange day for me. For the past 11 months I have been trying to juggle being a full-time mom with also being a full-time student, lecturer, and trying to complete my dissertation (I say "trying" because I am not doing a very good job). I am a good mom and a good lecturer (at least according to my course evaluations), but am having a difficult time trying to squeeze in the role of good student, as well.

This morning I had a meeting with one of my committee members. Her role is to help keep me on track, and to provide support and mentorship, where needed. She is also a sounding board for any ideas I come up with regarding the direction that my dissertation should take. We haven't met in months but today I had to do some follow-up interviews with former clients, so I scheduled in a quick meeting with her beforehand. I got to her office, sat down, ... and drew a blank. I realized that I didn't have anything to tell her - there were no new developments in my research, no grand ideas to share, and no questions to have answered. As I sat there in silence, I had no idea what to say to her. I could have told her that McKenna just learned to fall asleep on her own. I could have told her that my house is a colossal mess, my dogs haven't been walked in days, and I haven't done any of my Christmas shopping, but I couldn't come up with anything to tell her about my research. So I told her the truth. I told her that I am having a hard time balancing the roles of mommy and academic. I am finding it difficult to shift mindsets from diaper changes and walks through the park to statistics, academic language, and the competitiveness and isolation of research. Two years ago, if you had told me that I would be sitting around in my pyjamas, playing peek-a-boo, and contemplating dropping out of my graduate program, I would have choked to death on my own laughter. And yet here I am. Do I still want all of those things? I think so - but more than anything I want to be a good mom. I want to be there for my daughter for the next few years. I don't want to entrust her early learning, exploring, and development to a daycare. Part of me is disgusted with myself for this sudden change of heart. This is not the direction that I pictured my life taking. I have not been able to keep up on new developments in my area of research, my motivation is at an all-time low, and I feel like I am letting a lot of people down. I am close enough to the end that it doesn't really make sense to give up now, but I am struggling with summoning the motivation and the drive to finish this thing. What have I gotten myself into???

"The Vaccine Book" by Dr. Sears

I have just finished reading The Vaccine Book (Sears, 2007), just in time for McKenna's scheduled 12-month vaccinations. In NL, babies get vaccinations at 2, 4, 6, 12, and 18 months, and once before they start school. So far, M has gotten vaccinated for tetanus, diphtheria, whooping cough, as well as pneumococcal disease. I didn't consider any of these to be controversial - all are serious diseases, with major consequences for young babies. However, we're now coming up on some of the "less important" vaccines, as far as I'm concerned: The MMR vaccine, the flu vaccine, and the chickenpox vaccine.

As a researcher myself, I can appreciate the drudgery of going through piles and piles of reports, papers, and meta-analyses. I can appreciate the difficulty in trying to make a boring topic into something worth reading. And as a mother, I appreciate what Dr. Sears has done in this book - he explains each and every disease, components of the vaccine, risks and benefits, as well as arguments both for and against having your child vaccinated against each disease. Overall, he seems to come across as being pro-vaccine, but is able to play devil's advocate and explain why some parents might choose not to vaccinate against certain diseases, or at all.

Sick as an... owl?

Once a week McKenna and I meet up with some other moms and babies for a play date. With today being the day before Halloween, the babies all came dressed in their costumes for some cute photos and fun times. There were lions, a skunk, a couple of superheroes, and my beautiful little owl. She looked so sweet in her costume, and even indulged me by wearing her owl hat long enough for me to get some photos of her and her friends. Within about 15 minutes of being there, McKenna threw up all over her costume. It wasn't a big deal until she threw up again, and again, and then again. At that point, I decided we should probably head home before she made the other kids sick as well. On the way home she was sick twice more (we only live 10 minutes away). I took her home, intending to give her a bath and put her down for a nap but she wouldn't stop vomiting.

Fast forward an hour and we are sitting at the hospital; McKenna is puking her little guts out, and daddy and I are covered in vomit. Oh, and we're kinda stressed as well. In a 90-minute period she was sick more than twenty times, but she never let it get her down. In between spewing yellow bile onto her parents, she smiled, she laughed, and she played peek-a-boo. After a series of tests and ultrasounds, the doctor came to inform us that she could not find anything wrong with her. She didn't have a fever, her blood pressure was fine, and there was no evidence to suggest that she had ingested anything that she shouldn't have. It seemed like my little angel was going to be just fine. We were told to take her home and keep an eye on her, which we were only too happy to do.

I guess I should consider myself lucky. We've made it to 10 months with no real health scares. She is the happiest, sweetest little girl you'd ever want to meet. Today was a stressful day for the three of us, but we're hoping to still get out for Halloween tomorrow... if I can get the chunks out of her little owl torso, that is.

Flying Solo

This week I am attending a conference in Halifax, NS. Normally, I don’t go anywhere without my little sidekick, but since we have only recently gotten McKenna on somewhat of a schedule we decided it would be less disruptive to leave her behind. So for three days I get to sleep in, hang out with grown-ups, and pretend to be a serious academic. And when I’m not networking and presenting my own research, I get to sneak back to my hotel room, hook myself up to a couple of suction cups, and milk myself. See, you never really get away when you’re breastfeeding – while she may not be with me in person, she will be present in every soggy nursing pad, every throbbing boob, and every ounce of liquid gold that I pour down the drain. Ugh. 

"I'll take a pina colada and a pregnancy test, please"

Today, I came across a news article discussing the decision of a pub in Minnesota to sell pregnancy tests out of a vending machine in the women's washroom. My first reaction was surprise and a little bit of "hmmm, not sure if that's appropriate". However, upon reading the article and thinking about it a little bit more, I've got to say that this is probably a really great idea. The tests are selling for $3, which is a lot cheaper than you can buy them at the pharmacy. The vending machine in the washroom is also much more discreet than the local Jean Coutu.  A poster in the washroom explains the presence of the vending machine, and notes that many women drink without knowing that they are pregnant. For less than the price of a beer, women can have peace of mind that the happy hour mojito they are sipping will not result in a lifetime of regrets.

The owner of the pub claims that they don't make any money off of the sale of the tests - all monies go to a local nonprofit that works to educate the public about the dangers of drinking while pregnant. Kudos to them for recognizing a very real need and stepping up to offer the wall space for the vending machines.

In the Abnormal Psychology course that I teach, I regularly bring in an outside speaker to talk to the class about Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders, during the unit on Childhood Disorders. While FASD is not part of the curriculum for the course, I strongly believe that it does not get the attention that it deserves, and that every woman of child-bearing age should know of it. FASD is the only developmental disability that is 100% preventable. However, this does not mean that the mother is 100% to blame. Many times, women do not know they are pregnant until weeks, or even months into the pregnancy. Other times, the woman may have an alcohol dependency, and not have the resources and supports to get help. There are definitely also women out there who don't know that alcohol can cause irreversible damage to a developing fetus. If this initiative can spare even one child from the disability of FASD then it will have been a success.

To read the full story, click here http://www.kvue.com/news/170169106.html

My Fall Wishlist

White camisole with black bow - Smart Set
Bow earrings and necklace - Smart Set
Coloured belts - Joe Fresh
Black heels - Aldo
Black lace shirt - Smart Set
Gray sleeveless tank - Jacob
White sleveless tank - Jacob
Brown leather bag - Aldo
Silver leaf bracelet - Smart Set
Purple Ergo Carrier - Ergo

Night Weaning

At almost exactly 4 months of age, McKenna hit the dreaded 4 - month sleep regression. She refused to nap, wouldn't go down at night without a fuss and woke frequently throughout the night. Trying as it was, I took comfort in the knowledge that "this too shall pass"... except that it didn't. McKenna is now 8 months old and still fights sleep. It can take up to 2 hours to get her down at night, and then she will wake every hour (or more!) throughout the night. This makes for one very tired mommy the next day.

Being very much against cry-it-out methods, I did some research and came across Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution. I read it cover-to-cover as soon as it arrived in the mail, and went to work charting her naps, sleeping patterns, and how many times she was waking during the night. It was time-consuming and frankly, pretty depressing. McKenna's sleep was actually worse than I had thought it was. However, I was determined to put an end to the bedtime battles, and now felt that I had the tools I needed to do so with confidence. There would be no crying, no hurt feelings, and no guilt on my part. The first couple of nights I focused on helping McKenna learn to fall asleep without nursing. Instead of nursing her to sleep, she was given a bottle and her father was given the task of helping her to sleep. When she woke throughout the night, I nursed her each and every time, but instead of allowing her to fall asleep at the breast, I carefully broke the latch before she fell asleep, so that she fell asleep on her own. We did this for a few weeks, while at the same time, implementing some of Pantley's suggestions regarding naps and making sure to differentiate between night and day. We also made a concerted effort to adopt a predictable bedtime routine. 

And...it didn't work. While McKenna can now successfully go to sleep with a bottle, her night awakenings were not impacted in the least. While Pantley's method was indeed gentle and without tears, it was not the right method for our family. 

I have now decided to try Dr. Gordon's method for night weaning, in the hopes that, by removing her food supply (which she really doesn't need at 8 months of age), she will begin to sleep for longer stretches. While I have no issue with nursing a hungry baby, she is definitely not waking every hour due to hunger. Gordon suggests choosing a 7-hour stretch (e.g., 11pm - 6am) and helping the child learn that between these hours, nursing is off-limits. They can wake and nurse at 10:59 and 6:01, but between the hours of 11pm and 7am, they will not be fed. Obviously though, exceptions have to be made when baby is teething, sick, or under a lot of stress. I am going to give this method a try; however, I think 5 or 6 hours is more reasonable for us. While I know that she doesn't NEED to eat in the middle of the night, she is a growing baby, and she tends to be too busy throughout the day to drink much. Plus, with the way she has been sleeping the past four months, a five-hour unbroken stretch of sleep will feel like I have won the lottery! 

Wish me luck!

Separation

In my previous post, I mentioned that we are on vacation. On Saturday McKenna and I arrived in Ontario, after spending three weeks with my family in New Brunswick. Our flight was delayed getting in, McKenna was exhausted, and we hadn't seen daddy in nearly three weeks. While he was excited to hold his little girl in his arms again, I was concerned that she would have some issues warming up to him after being away for so long. After all, three weeks is a long time when you're only 7 months old, and she had been exhibiting some separation anxiety even before we went on vacation.

Sure enough, when we walked through the gates to meet him, she was less than happy to see him. Hopeful, he reached out his arms for her, and was met with tears. Undaunted, he tried again, this time succeeding in taking her from my arms. However, it was not without a great deal of fussing on her part. Eventually she did calm down and was willing to be held by her father, although she was still wary of him for the next several days. She also took some time to warm up to his family, just as she did with mine when we first arrived in NB. It's a developmental stage in her life that, although tiring, is completely normal and healthy. I would be worried if she wasn't more strongly attached to me than she was to anyone else, particularly those that she hasn't spent a lot of time with.

However, while being my daughter's sole source of comfort is great for my ego, it is not good for her or her relationship with her father. He adores her, and relates to her in a way that only a father can. I can tell that it hurts his heart when she turns away from him, or cries out when he gets too close. I would feel the same way if she ever reacted that way to me. So our task for the next few days is to strengthen that bond once again. While I will have to be the one providing comfort when she is really distressed, he can be there for her when she is in a good mood, and on her terms. Hopefully she will come around sooner rather than later.

Summer holidays - Part I

As a grad student I have the flexibility of taking time off pretty much whenever I want, provided I am not teaching at the time. This has come in handy in the past, when I could book a last-minute seat sale without having to ask for time off, and it`s incredibly convenient now that I have a baby and am travelling to visit both of our families more often.

The past three weeks, McKenna and I were visiting with my family in New Brunswick. We left Daddy behind in NL, with plans to meet him at his family`s place in Ontario in early August. During those three weeks we met up with friends, spent time with family and entertained a few house guests along the way. And I got a taste of what it was like to be a single parent for three weeks. I`ve never given much thought to how difficult it must be for the single mothers out there. My parents are still married, and I am in a stable and committed relationship myself. I`ve taken McKenna to visit family by myself before, and haven`t found it to be too stressful, but there was something about this trip that was different. Maybe it was because she is sleeping less during the day, and therefore I get less time to myself. It could have been that she`s more active now, and needs much closer supervision and attention. Or it could be the fact that she has been a poor sleeper the past few months, and continued to thwart my efforts to get some shut-eye while we were at home. Whatever the reason, it was an exhausting trip. I had envisioned spending afternoons on a patio, sipping daquiris and catching up with old friends. I had hoped to spend time at the beach, working on my tan. I had even planned on getting some work done towards my dissertation. But I found that I was too tired to do much of anything while I was home. The days were unusually hot and humid, which we`re not used to in Newfoundland, and even at night it stayed pretty warm. This meant that we spent a lot of time indoors, giving McKenna ample time to increase her mobility. While we were away she learned how to pull herself up, and had her first pony ride. She petted her first alpaca, and swam in her first salt water pool.

It was also the first time that she would not go to sleep by nursing.

McKenna and I have enjoyed a largely problem-free breastfeeding relationship. With the exception of recurring blocked ducts, we have never had any major problems to contend with. She loved to nurse right from the start, latched well, and only once did we experience a nursing strike. But for whatever reason, she can no longer be settled to sleep by nursing. She still wants me to be beside her while she falls asleep, but now she is falling asleep to a bottle, instead of to the warmth and comfort of my body. When she wakes through the night she will not settle for anything less than a boob, but the girls are no longer a part of her bedtime or naptime routine. And that makes me a little sad. I know as she grows things are bound to change in our relationship, but I wasn't ready for those changes to be happening so quickly. I don't want her to crawl, because that means she is just one step closer to walking. I don't want her to talk, as she will be even closer to becoming independent. In short, I want my little girl to stay a baby forever. Unfortunately, she (and nature) have other plans.

How to lose a job in 10 ways

Recently, I posted an ad online, looking for a babysitter for McKenna. I was clear in my requirements, as well as the hours and rate of pay. I received a large volume of emails in response to the ad; most of them went something like this:

"wen do u want someone?"

"what is the pay i might be quitting my job so maybe i could work for you until i find something else"

"i don't have first aid but i been around lot of kids"

or my favourite

"call me. 736-7628"

Seriously!? Is this really the best you can do? While I did not specifically advertise for an English professor, I do expect a certain level of proficiency in the language. Moreover, I expect a certain level of professionalism when inquiring about a potential job. To make things easier, I have compiled a list of things that I expect of a job candidate - whether I am hiring someone to mow my lawn, clean up dog poop, or watch my precious child. While I don't expect that any of the applicants I rejected will ever read this maybe someone, somewhere, will read this and learn something from it.

1. It's common courtesy to start an email with a greeting. And it's so simple - "hi" is only two letters long.
2. It's really not that difficult to capitalize proper nouns. So do it. It makes you seem much more literate.
3. Don't ask questions that are already covered in the advertisement. If I specify that the rate of pay is $10 an hour, then it is $10 an hour, even for you.
4. Take the extra three seconds and spell out the entire word. It might be alright to use "lol' or "u" when texting a friend, but when emailing a potential employer it looks sloppy and lazy. If you are really that short on time, what are you doing applying for another job?
5. Along those same lines, use spell check if needed. It's okay to ask for help.
6. Don't offer to come work for me until something better comes along. We have all been there - waiting to land our dream job, and working crappy jobs in the meantime. But at least pretend that you want to work for me.
7. Ask questions. Show that you actually read the advertisement and put some thought into your reply. You could even inquire about the child that you would be caring for. Again, pretend that you want to work for me.
8. Don't just leave me your name and phone number. I will not call you, I can promise you that.
9. If you don't meet the specified criteria, move on. Chances are you will find a job that you are suited for if you keep looking. But if I have asked for First Aid and CPR, it is for a reason. I don't care that you spent every summer playing with your younger cousins from Wisconsin if you can't help my child when she's choking.
10. I can't stress this enough - be professional. There'll be plenty of time to joke around and talk in slang once we get to know each other. Hell, I might even txt u.

A "good" baby

My daughter is amazing. She is funny, loving, sweet, wise, tenacious, beautiful, and an all-around happy child. She makes me proud to be her mother each and every day.

"But is she a good baby?"

People have been asking this question since the day I brought her home from the hospital? What does it mean to have a "good" baby? Are there really any "bad" babies?

From what I gather, when people ask whether you have a "good" baby, what they are really trying to figure out is whether or not your baby is convenient, and possibly even whether h/she is predictable. Several follow-up questions are inevitably asked:

Does she fuss a lot? 

Does she need to be in arms all the time? 

Does she sleep through the night? 

Is she on a schedule for eating and sleeping? 

According to these criteria, McKenna is not a good baby. Does she fuss a lot? No, but I believe that is because we are responsive to her needs. She doesn't need to cry to get our attention; if we're paying attention to her cues then we can usually figure out what she needs before she has to resort to tears. However, like most babies she likes to be cuddled and held, and if given the choice will always choose being up in arms over a playpen. She's not on any type of a sleep schedule (not for lack of trying), and sleeps whenever she decides she's ready. Sometimes that means she has three or four half-hour naps throughout the day, and other times she may sleep for two-and-a-half hours without waking. She wakes roughly every hour through the night and wants to be nursed to get back to sleep. Similarly, she eats when she's hungry, not according to the clock. Is she convenient? To be honest, not really. Fortunately that was never an expectation of mine. Microwave dinners are convenient. Disposable cutlery are convenient. Cars are convenient. Babies aren't meant to be convenient, and I didn't choose to have a baby so that my life could be made easier. She is unpredictable in her moods, and downright demanding. So no, she's not a "good" baby. But I wouldn't trade her for the world... or even a solid night's sleep. 

Getting Back At It

I have wanted to teach and do research for a long time. A very long time. When I found out that I was expecting, I swore up and down that it would not slow me down, that I would still finish "on time" (whatever that means). I would still graduate with my PhD, and would go on to teach at a university, and maybe even run a consulting business on the side. The possibilities were endless....

Now, 5 months post-birth, I find myself toying with the idea that maybe my priorities have shifted a little. Life just doesn't seem as simple as it used to. I can't just go to school and spend 6 hours working at my computer. I can't be present for all of the meetings and workshops I would like to attend. And to be honest, often I don't want to be. I love being home with McKenna and seeing her grow up. While I don't think I am cut out to be a stay-at-home mom in the long-term, I am enjoying this time we have together immensely. I'm starting to think that maybe my career ambitions need to be scaled back a bit to accomodate more of a family life.

Recently, McKenna has started going to a home daycare three days a week. Two of the days I am teaching, and the third day I have set aside to work on my dissertation. Tomorrow will really be my first real day back at it since I had McKenna. Sure, I have collected data since then, but I haven't sat down and written much of anything since December. I'm dreading it. I feel like I'm starting at the beginning again. I no longer feel like a curious, competent graduate student, I feel like a tired, overworked mom. But I want to do this. I am so close to being finished, and I know that I would always regret it if I gave up on this degree. Whatever it takes, I will walk across that stage someday soon. I just need to buckle down and force myself to get back at it.

A Well-Traveled Baby

On Sunday, McKenna and I arrived home, after 3 weeks away from home - first to visit her paternal grandparents in Ontario, and then to visit my family in NB. My poor, dear little girl is still so exhausted and stressed out from all the traveling. When she was less than a month old, we took her to Ontario, and then she visited NB at 2 months. Both times she coped wonderfully, and so I assumed that she would be just as easy to travel with at 4-5 months. Not so, my friends, not so...

I first noticed when we were in Ontario that she was fussier than normal, and wasn't sleeping well at night. I quickly chalked it up to the fact that she wasn't seeing as much of her father and I as usual (we were out doing lots of fun, touristy things), and was making up for it during the night, by nursing more often. Also, she had been getting some formula during the daytime when we were out (she's not a fan). Ontario was a fun, but tiring trip. I got very little sleep, and McKenna just wasn't herself. I could only hope that our trip to NB would go more smoothly. 

Unfortunately, McKenna spent the first week of our visit to NB fussing, eating very little, and waking up 8-11 (yes, I counted) times every night. I repeatedly had to cancel plans that I had made with friends, because I knew that McKenna needed me more than I needed to socialize. The poor thing was just so tired and confused. I spent much of the first week in bed with her, snuggling, nursing, and trying to get her to sleep. Every 45 minutes to an hour, she would wake up and groggily reach out for me, tongue searching, to make sure I was still there. For that first week, I felt like the worst mom in the world for dragging her around at such a young age. It was obviously harder on her than we had expected it to be, and I couldn't wait to get her home and back to a predictable routine. It also didn't help that I was getting flack from relatives for holding her all the time rather than leaving her to amuse herself, or letting her cry. But that's for another post...

It's good to be home again. While I did enjoy myself, I don't know if it was worth the stress it caused McKenna. She's still not sleeping well, and wakes up crying several times a night. We are supposed to be traveling again later on this summer, but who knows? Hopefully she'll be better able to cope at 8-9 months. 

Breastfeeding at Work?

A fellow mom recently pointed me towards the breastfeeding inclusion policy at the university. Apparently, not only am I allowed to BF McKenna while at work, but she is actually WELCOMED by the university to attend (and nurse) during class.

"Quiet breastfeeding infants and young children are welcome in lecture theatres, public spaces, seminar rooms etc". (Policy 2.0)

 "The number of times a woman needs to breastfeed or express milk will be determined by the individual needs of the mother and the age of the baby and may vary over time" (Policy 4.1)

Holy crap! I had no idea that MUN even had a breastfeeding policy, let alone one that welcomed babies into the classroom.  Not only that, but they have also built it into the orientation for new staff and students, to ensure that people are aware of the policy (presumably so that not only will they take advantage of it themselves, but so that moms will not be harassed by other students/colleagues when breastfeeding).

4.3 Support:

• The University supports an environment that encourages women to feel at ease breastfeeding their infants and young children throughout the campus. However, there are areas of the university where infants and young children are not permitted due to safety/health concerns or requirements.

• Support from fellow employees is important in providing a breastfeeding environment and therefore efforts are made to inform employees about this policy to secure their cooperation for any workplace accommodations that may be needed. New employees and students are informed of University policies (including the breastfeeding policy) during orientation.

• There may be situations or environments within the University when breastfeeding breaks or private space for breastfeeding may not be provided. Other options should be explored with the mother to ensure that her needs are met.

Wow! I am so impressed with MUN. However, I probably still will not take McKenna to class. While I have breastfed her in the comfort and privacy of my office, it is unlikely that I would attempt to do so while lecturing to 90+ students. Still, it's the thought that counts, so thank you MUN, for thinking of me and my baby. And who knows, maybe I will take her to class someday...just to say I  did.